I Fart Every Time I Pee

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I read every post that James Altucher shares on his blog, The Altucher Confidential. I’m one of around a billion per month. I love his surgical writing style. Precise points, derived from real experience, that can help solve real life problems. James sticks to what has helped him, and offers it as a possible solution to his readers. That’s the best he can do, and he does it extremely well.

James has been to the mountain top and has come crashing down to the valley more than once in his life. He’s made and lost millions three of four times over again, started countless businesses, been divorced, dropped out of a prestigious college, found the love of his life, Claudia, and so on.

The transparency in his writing blows you away. Death, divorce, jealousy, college, sex, writing, business, failure and success are just the tip of the Altucher iceberg. The experience with all of these subjects is served on a hot platter each week.

He’s an ugly, chess player willing to tell you how to dull your jealousy, be grateful, or why college is a waste of time and money. You don’t have to agree with him, but you do have to appreciate his perspective.

James says that a good article should make you nervous before publishing. Writing openly about your experience is tough, but that’s how you help people. It also makes for great content. Proof is in the ugly Jewish pudding.

I am a jealous of his experiences. I’ve never made millions multiple times… or even once. I’ve never been on the floor of a hotel room close to suicide multiple times either.

Everything has come to me fairly easy through 25 years. It’s almost embarrassing how privileged I’ve been. I haven’t even experienced a loved one die yet.

Blessing or a curse? As my Mom says, “It is what it is”.

Want my insights to life? Here’s what I got. I fart each time I pee. I lower my voice when I’m introduced to new males. A layup is easier than a jump shot.

That’s about it. I’m hoping more will come.

Facebook encourages us to yearn for other people’s new car, lives, or cool experiences. Screw that. They’re not going to post when they get fired, why they cry themselves to sleep, or when their wife leaves him them for the ex-boyfriend from high school…who she found on Facebook.

James would though. That’s his wheel house and he owns it. I admire that.

Well, there’s my mind purge. If you were expecting this to tie back to fantasy football like they usually do, sorry to disappoint. I think Jimmy Graham will do well this week, but you already knew that.

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Why You Got Low Balled On Your House: Week 4 Value Buys

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I’ve been writing for Fakepigskin.com for about 2 weeks now. Good people. Here’s my last post about value and some buy low candidates you can grap with huge upside. Enjoy.

“Value is a funny thing. Value is not what the price tag says. It’s not amount the appraiser evaluates your house at. It’s not the Groupon that offers 50% off pooper-scoopers.

Value is the perception of worth. It can change at the drop of a hat or drop of a touchdown pass. Value is why you got low balled on your house. Value is the extra $5 you paid your weed guy for the good shit.

The definition of value lends itself to openness for interpretation:

Val~ue (n) – a fair return or equivalent in goods, services, or money for something exchanged.

The second word “fair” really muddies the waters. When you make a case for what is “fair”, you find the value. Emotions get rolled up into what is “fair”. Kids use it all the time, “It’s not faaaaaaairrrrrr.” In my house this expression was soon followed by a hand slapping the back of my head with the words, “I’ll show you what’s fair!”

Trades in fantasy football are why I wake up in the morning. The FX show The League (I’m sure few have heard of it), coined the term “trade rape”. It’s my favorite kind of rape by a mile.

Finding value where others don’t is fun. Getting the value in return for something of lessor value is an art. Here are four trade targets that are being undervalued by many current owners. Your mission: Trade rape your opponent until you see tears of value streaming down their cheeks.

Target 1 – C.J. Spiller, Buffalo Bills

Owners are pissed. Their first round pick has produced next to nothing through three weeks. This has most likely led to a losing record. Emotions are running high and desperation is setting in. I recently traded Knowshon Moreno for Spiller straight up. Spiller still has amazing upside and can lead the league in rushing the last 3 quarters of the season.

Target 2- David Wilson, New York Giants

Similar to Spiller, Wilson is an amazing talent who has produced nothing. Things are looking up for the young back. He had a 17-yard touchdown run called back due to a penalty, and showed off his elite burst. He has suffered from late game toss-fests and some ball control issues. However, the Giants need him to produce. Sooner than later, Tom Coughlin will get back to his running ways. Be the guy who bought him in week 3.

Target 3- Collin Kaepernick, San Francisco 49ers

This guy was on fire Week 1. Since then, not so much. Fantasy is a “what have you done for me last week” kind of game. In the last two weeks he has only amassed 277 yards and zero touchdowns. Kaepernick still has tremendous value with his willingness to run. The young gun slinger will have much better days ahead. Take advantage of his disgruntled owners.

Target 4- Danny Amendola, New England Patriots

You know what you’re getting when you low ball an owner for Amendola. Injuries. However, when he eventually does play his other 5 or 6 games this season he will be an excellent WR2. Things are looking up for lil Danny to play this week or next. He will step into a role the New England offense is yearning for. Tom Brady loves a precise route runner. Danny is a great buy low option.”

Hope you check us out at Fakepigskin.com. I’ll keep brining the heat on the Diaper as well.

- Evan

Puppy Kisses, Masks, and Buy Low’s

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I let my dog kiss inside my mouth. There are times, when no one is looking; I do some pretty crazy shit. Ever farted into your cupped hand then quickly brought it to your nose to smell? It’s fun. It’s kind of liberating. That’s probably the real me. It’s how I act when I know won’t get caught. I love that little dog.

Tony Soprano found it with the geese in his back yard. You may find it while waiting in an empty room at the doctor’s office, singing in the shower, or walking up empty isles at the liquor store. Think Obama farts in his hand?

We wear so many different masks during our day. We are a husband/wife, boss or employee, a son/daughter, mentor, creepy guy at the park. We act like totally different people. What’s that disease where you have multiple personalities? That’d fit good here… I’ll look it up later. It’s healthy to settle into that mask-free zone. Where you get to act and think how you want to. Even if puppies didn’t have really clean mouths, I’d still let Hallie French kiss me.

Fantasy football is another outlet where we get to take off our masks. I don’t have to like a certain player to appease anyone. We don’t have to draft Aaron Rodgers just because our boss is from Wisconsin. It’s our team. I can draft only players with long hair and cleanly shaven chests if I so desire. No masks required. Well maybe if you are that guy I mentioned on the company draft chat, you may want to tame it down. Other than that, it’s our team, and it’s liberating to truly own something without having to worry about how anyone else feels about it.

A friend texted me, “LOL, Cecil Shorts”, after Cecil’s less than desirable week one performance. He was trying to make me feel bad about my team. Pressure me into trading one of my coveted running backs to upgrade at receiver like a short sited fool.

Screw that. Momma didn’t raise no fool!

I believe in Cecil. Especially now that Chad Henne is at the helm. The best part is I don’t have to act like Cecil sucks. Mask free, baby. You can keep Anquan Boldin, and I’ll keep my main man, Cecil! What a great name, Cecil.

Anyways, here are a few more people I have guilt free love for after a bad week one start. These are buy-low candidates from fickle, short sited owners.

Chris Johnson, RB, Tennessee Titans- Perfect buy low candidate. I see CJ owners cussing a guy who carries the ball 20-25 times a game behind a huge line. What’s that problem? Yes, the offense has its problems, but if you can snag CJ, do it now. San Diego comes to town this week on a short week.

CECIL MF’n SHORTS, WR, Jacksonville Jaguars- This is more of a chest pumping call at this point. He’s going to have his ups and downs, and in reality is a middle of the pack WR2 by the end of the year.

David Wilson, RB, New York Giants- The most talked about man in fantasy. The fall of David Wilson. Slow down kids. As long as Andre Brown is out, Wilson will still be the stud in the Giant’s backfield. Tom Coughlin has also stated that Wilson needs to contribute on a weekly basis and the faith has not been lost.

Pierre Garcon, WR, Washington Redskins- It took RG3 an entire half to shake off the dust. This led to a disappointing 7/64/0 outing for Garcon. Brightside is that he was targeted a team high 11 times. He’s still the go-to man, and RG3 showed he will be flinging it more than running it this year.

Eric Decker, WR, Denver Broncos- There are a lot of mouths to feed in Denver. Good thing Peyton Manning has tons of breast milk. If anyone can nurture a gaggle of wide receiver babies, it’s Peyton. (A flock of running backs, gaggle of wide receivers, pack of quarterbacks.

Socrates, Marriage, Week 2 Starts and Farts

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Example 1) An Orange County mother steals jewelry from Zales.
Example 2) A homeless woman in India steals a loaf of bread to feed her starving baby.

As a newlywed, life has again slapped me in the dick reemphasizing that I simply know nothing. It was silly to think I ever did. This feeling has taken me back to my haze-filled college days and my philosophy class. Ole Socrates, and his Human Wisdom teachings, really struck a chord. He taught that it’s impossible to truly know anything at all. Knowledge of the” truth” is a mere mirage.

You were taught that stealing is always wrong. However, the two examples above illustrate that there could be varying definitions of “wrong” and “right” given the circumstances. Without being able to define those terms, you are unable know what they are. A wise man understands exactly what he doesn’t know.

Accepting that you know nothing is the most wisdom any human can attain.

I’ll spare you with any more philosophy talk.

Yes, marriage has me thinking about Socrates. Am I right about the curtains or when to take out the carrot cake? Hell no! I don’t know shit. It’s just a fact of married life.

Unlike my happy little marriage where I understand and accept I know nothing, my week 1 fantasy life is in shambles. What I thought I knew, bit me in the ass… again. I have been humbled by my Human Wisdom.

I thought I knew that Zach Suckfeld (see what I did there) was going to draw Hernandez-like attention from Tom Brady.

I thought I knew that Maurice Jones-Drew would return to his old ways after recovering from injury most of last year.

I thought I knew that David Wilson would ball outrageous. Especially since Andre Brown is not in the picture.

These examples backfired, and thankfully others are panning out well thus far. What I thought I knew were all assumptions that were treated like knowledge. All of the stats in the world are out there to justify each of those assumptions by fanalysts, but none of those stats can tell you the whole story.

Take heed of fanalysts who claim to “know” something or speak definitively as I do from time to time. Anyways, I KNOW that the following guys will have a great week 2.

Starts
Matt Forte vs Minnesota- Forte is primed for an excellent week against a defense that was just thrashed by Reggie Bush (90 rush yards, 101 receiving yards, 1 rec TD). Forte may not be as explosive as Bush, but Minnesota will be forced to over play Brandon Marshall just like they did Calvin Johnson. This bodes well for Mr. Forte.

Steven Jackson vs St. Louis- If this won’t be a chip-on-the-shoulder game, I don’t know what is. Jackson has this game circled.

Maurice Jones-Drew vs Oakland- Yes, I thought I knew he’d have a great year. Don’t give up hope quite just yet. MJD sucked in the opener, and this may just be wishful thinking, but shit… it’s Oakland. If he can’t produce here, he can’t produce anywhere.

Dwayne Bowe vs Dallas- I wouldn’t touch Bowe with a 10 foot pole in a draft, but against Dallas, who just gave up 450 yards through the air to the Giants, he’s a solid play. Bowe had an unspectacular opening week, due to the Chiefs not needing to air out the ball against the lowly Jaguars. This game will be competitive, and Andy Reid is going to air it out.

T.Y. Hilton vs Miami- He’s fast as hell, the coaches have said he needs the ball more, and he’s playing Miami. Boom.

Farts
Chris Johnson vs Houston- This reeks of a 45 yards on 12 touches kind of performance.

Dez Bryant vs Kansas City- There were only two teams to not give up a passing touchdown last week and one of them was KC. Dez has a bum foot. I wouldn’t expect too much out him this week on the road. Miles will have another productive game in PPR formats.

Trent Richardson vs Baltimore- Richardson looks lethargic out of the backfield, and with teams stacking the box, it makes sense why he didn’t produce last week. Baltimore’s defense is hungry to prove it’s worth a shit. Since Brandon Weeden’s passing attack leaves something to be desired, expect Baltimore to put the cross hairs on Richardson.

Corporate Quirks: Fantasy Football Leagues

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I work, breathe, eat, and sleep in the corporate world. This means I must have corporate fantasy leagues in my life. Office fantasy football leagues are great. This is the second year I’ve been in our office league and it brings up a lot of social quirks at the office.

Some coworkers are all wound up that we will be caught “gambling” which is a big policy no-no. Who cares? Everyone knows Marsha and Dan are having an affair, and we can’t have a fun fantasy league for $50? If they can cross pollenate in their car at lunch, we can have a harmless $50 buy in. Like Marsha, policy can suck it.

There’s always one douche that thinks he knows everything because he writes a fantasy blog. We don’t care about your damn blog! … oh, wait…

It’s always interesting when one guy takes the trash talk too far in the draft chat. “I’m gonna beat you so bad, your wife is gonna leave you, and your kids are gonna die! Then I’m gonna burn your house down and shit on the ashes! Them I’m gonna take those shit-ashes, bake em in a cake, and mail it to your mom!” Wow, Dan. You know that’s still your boss, right?

Boss-man is real particular about focusing on work while at work. Facebook, tweeting, and texting are frowned upon in the corporate world. If you are looking down at your phone, you are probably not working. That’s when coworkers that are not in the league (ie. Nosey secretaries) get butt hurt when you and Boss-man are cooler-side chatting it up for 45 minutes about sit/starts. Suck it Secretary Susan. Get back to TWERK!

Thursday Night Sell High, Buy Low Fantasy Reaction

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Aghhh, that new fantasy team smell… It’s the best. If given the choice, I’d take the beginning of fantasy football season over:
- Christmas
- My birthday
- Opportunity to relive the first time I saw boobs (porn or real)

It’s a magical time of year that simply can’t be topped. It’s a time where you over analyze your lineup more than you did your wedding vows. Your spouse may bitch, but it’s definitely not the worst thing you could be doing. Tell her you could be sending dick pics to other women like Anthony Weiner. And who cares if you didn’t remember to feed the dog or water the plants… you hated Mrs. Pringles and those tulips sucked anyways.

Thank God we actually had an entertaining game on Thursday night. Remember last year’s awful Thursday night matchups; Ravens/ Browns, Cardinals/ Rams, Steelers/ Titans, Chiefs/ Chargers, Colts/ Jaguars, Dolphins/ Bills… just to name a few. Just thinking about it makes me want to kill little bunnies. Little, cute, white bunnies. Dead.

Per the usual, the first game of the year is talked about and analyzed more than talks about bombing Syria. This is magnified now that the game is on Thursday. We have two full days to go crazy over Julius Thomas and to spit on Eric Decker. Speaking of those two guys, what are you going to do if you picked up Thomas or drafted Decker?

Well, if you were able to snag Julius Thomas off the waiver wire, or you were one of the few who took a deep flier on him in the draft, lucky you. You hit the ultimate sell high candidate. They come in bunches at the beginning of the year, and we have found our first guy who totally outperformed his actual value. Sure, he won’t go Kevin Ogletree on us and disappear the rest of the year, but you can bet that he won’t go for 2 TD’s and 97 yards on just 4 receptions.

Listen, I know what you are saying; he’s a physical specimen that lives in a pass-first offense. He’s basically Jimmy Graham. Okay, I hear what you are saying, but what I’m saying, is that he is still the 4th option in that passing offense. This is very unlike Graham, who is the first option in New Orleans without the dominant WR core that Denver has. That being said, he is at best a low end TE1 who will be very hard to predict going forward. Sound like anyone else? Yes it does. It sounds like the rest of the TE’s in the world other than Graham and Gronk. Sell high. TE is historically an almost impossible position to predict, and this situation will be no different. People are foaming at the mouth for this beast. You can probably get a decent RB2 and the first born male.

I can hear it now, the grunts and under-the-breath cussing of Eric Decker. How can he suck so bad?! Owners are disgruntled, and all they see on Twitter and Sports Center are highlights of other Denver wide outs posing in the end zone. The image of the ball slowly going through Decker’s hands in the end zone burns slowly into their subconscious. Some of these said owners will want to dump Decker, and these owners would be foolish.

The guy just had a bad night. So how did he not get more of the crazy action from Peyton’s 462 yards and 7 touchdowns? Only two catches for 32 yards? Ouch. Well, he dropped a few balls, an offensive pass interference call, and had some bad timing on routes. Yes, Wes Welker looked like the belle of the ball last night, but there will be plenty to go around in Denver going forward. Decker is still a very valuable fantasy commodity and strong WR2 in all formats. It simply just wasn’t his night. It will happen again, but it won’t be the norm.

Decker owners are pissed, and you need to take advantage of it. Send a buy low offer their way, and see what they have to say. It’s worth a shot. Decker will be a nice WR2 to either plug and play or start weekly. You could probably try to buy low on Torrey Smith too.

It may sound as though I like one player and dislike the other player for the same reason. Both are on the same pass happy team and I’m saying to sell one and buy the other. However, these are two distinctly different situations which centers around the market’s perceived value of both players compared to their actual projected value. Any questions, class?

Thomas is in a historically unpredictable position where he resides as the fourth passing option. There are many other TE’s that fall into this category, but Thomas is perceived right now as being more valuable due to recency bias. Take advantage of this and strengthen your team elsewhere with a trade. Decker is a proven WR2 in fantasy, and is still the 2nd or 3rd option on a team who will pass a ton. He had a bad night, so low ball the disgruntled Decker owner in your league.

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Michael Vick Is This Year’s Robert Griffin III

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Last year I wrote an article about how taking Robert Griffin III as a late round flier would pan out for fantasy football owners in a very peculiar way.  A blind squirrel finds a nut every now and then, and this time I nailed it.

RG3 took the NFL by storm with his cannon of an arm combined with his break away speed. He was, and still is, a nightmare for defensive coordinators to game plan against. Mike Shanahan played to the young quarterback’s strengths, and Alfred Morris quickly became Griffin’s best friend in the read option offense.

Unfortunately, the same old story goes for the mobile quarterback, they lose time to injury sooner than later. Especially for guys who don’t know how to slide. In last year’s article, I predicted RG3 would immediately be the most productive rookie quarterback, but injury would be inevitable.

My plan was to trade the young quarterback after 5-6 weeks of success while his value was at a premium (which I did after his first concussion for a RB2 to cement my flex position). Remember, you took RG3 as a late round flier, so your QB1 was hopefully holding down the fort making the rookie expendable. This was a great way to strengthen your team elsewhere.

This year Michael Vick is being drafted as that late round flier. You can usually find him in the 10th to 12th round in 12 team standard leagues.

Vick is going to be successful early. Very successful. Why?

1) It will be almost impossible for defensive coordinators to predict what Chip Kelly will throw, or run, at defenses in the first half of the season with the Oregon Offense 2.0.

2) With this fast paced tsunami coming to Philly, Vick and Shady McCoy will run more offensive plays per game, which naturally produces more opportunity to score fantasy points.

3) This is also combined with Kelly’s amazing ability to run the ball effectively, making Vick even more valuable.

The tricky part is knowing when to sell high. It may be a matter of another starting quarterback falling prey to injury and capitalizing on another owners need. It could be seeing a quarterback, like Romo or Eli, vastly under produce, and then making a deal with the underperforming Romo owner.

You drafted Vick at a discount this year, hopefully as your QB2. Like RGIII last year, Vick will most likely go down due to injury with the amount of abuse he takes week to week and horrible judgment in avoiding big hits. As Vick’s stock goes through the roof in the Chip Kelly offense, look for ways to dump him and upgrade your squad.

What if you drafted Vick as your QB1? That’s fine. This strategy still works, you will just need to be getting a suitable QB in return along with a upgrade at a different position. Timing is everything. So until then, sit back and watch Vick’s stock go through the roof, then sell baby, sell.